My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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