my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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