he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
