I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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