Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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