i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
