A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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