So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
