why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
