I am in a vortex of obligation.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
