Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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