so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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