yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
