My friends, they love my intelligence
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
