why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize