Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
