Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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