I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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