I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
