Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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