so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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