i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
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Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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