I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
