Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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