I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
