I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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