wakey wakey hands off snakey
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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