What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
