A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
