Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
