you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
how do flat chested girls get laid?
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Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
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We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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