Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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