That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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