I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's never too late to be topless.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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