Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
