just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She said her name was "party"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
