in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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