sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
