im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
