i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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