im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
