All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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