I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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