im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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