I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
