This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
