If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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