Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
