I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
