pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
