Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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