yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
