My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize