I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
