Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
