my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
