Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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